30 pounds in 90 days!

My little sister is getting married in May and has asked me to be the maid of honor. I, of course, readily accepted, since this was asked not out of obligation ("you're my sister, so I guess I have to have you in the wedding") but instead because my sister and I are actually very good friends.

Having said that - I hate her. In that, "Oh my god, did you see that girl? She has a perfect figure and a great personality and I hate her" kind of way. My sister is one of those people blessed with a speedy metabolism, which combined with her inheritance of the height gene from some mystery relative makes for someone who looks good in almost anything they wear.

And then there is me. I can't complain too much, but if there is such a thing as a "Freshman 10" when you get married, then I have definitely experienced that. About three times over. So with the upcoming wedding, and the need to be in a red strappy tea length dress, I figured it was about time I did something about the "Marriage 30", as I like to refer to it.

Two days ago, I realized that I had precisely three months (for the math impaired that is where we get the 90 days from) to get back to a satisfactory weight. That puts my goal at 2.5 pounds a week. Based on my research, one to two pounds of weight loss per week is a healthy rate of loss, but 12-24 pounds in 90 days! didn't have the same exciting sound. (This means I don't actually expect to lost 30 in 90, but if I aim for it and miss by 5-10 pounds I will still be a happy camper).

How am I doing this? Weight Watchers? Atkins? South Beach? E-Diet? Low-carb? Cardboard? Whatever Oprah did? So many options...I had a lot of research to do.

Weight Watchers: I need to eat based on some sort of point system evidently. No can do. College calculus, yes, basic math when I am hungry, no way. And I have to pay some sort of fee. Another negative for the WW.

Atkins: My brother tried this diet when he was about 20. I distinctly remember trying not to retch at the site of his meal of Hormel chili, cut up pieces of hot dog, and several cubes of cheddar. Unless the feeling of retching returns upon trying this diet, I don't see how it will establish lasting weight gain. Or health for that matter. I like my arteries unclogged, thanks.

South Beach: I have to admit - I did no research. Some pretty woman I knew went on this diet and raved about it. If I were to try it and have it not work, I would probably just end up hating pretty woman that rave about diets. And I don't like the name. South Beach. What does that have to do with the diet? Will I end up dressing like people on South Beach if I go on this diet? **shudder**

E-Diet: This diet seems to consist of paying for information you could probably find if you really wanted to, and tracking everything that you could be tracking in a notebook for free. The diet for the lazy. Which, if you are lazy, isn't that part of the problem in the first place, fatty?

Low-Carb: I like bread. I like pasta. Whole grains are at the bottom of that pretty food pyramid. That means I should eat lots. Eating low carb is somehow rejecting every elementary teaching I have ever been exposed to. In addition, most low carb products have a variety of "fake sugar" in them. I won't gain weight if I eat these products because I am too busy THROWING UP the chemicals used to create them.

Cardboard: So far, if you don't factor in taste, this seems like a good plan. Fiber is cleansing.

What Oprah did: Oprah can afford to give a studio full of people a brand new car. People. Anything this woman does is going to be a success because she can afford to control the universe. That is not in my budget.

After much research it would seem I got nowhere. But in reality, I am trying something simple enough for me to understand, and basically free. Watch calorie intake. Eat more vegetables. And go the gym I am already paying for at 6 am 4-6 mornings a week.

I just saw a couple of you choke on your diet soda. Yes. Me. Up early. At the gym.

Will this plan work? Stay tuned......